I realise there are so many unanswered questions. Answers can nv be the last answer, cuz the "why" will definitely come after that. And I hate that. Cuz I have too much WHYs. But nobody can give me the perfect answer. Every now and then, I ask myself over & over agn, why did it happen? Why him? Why did it end this way? Why is it all history? I can nv answer myself, can nv convince myself anymore. I'm a very self-consoling person, but it doesn't work tis time round. Why? Everyday, I'm just so scare that everyday will just pass by. Becuz, not very long later, everything will become a past. In fact, every word I wrote here is part of my history. So what is now? There's no now... I fear the coming of everyday. I dun look forward to it. I wish I could just stop there & then. I dun want things to become history. It breaks my heart. It makes me cry. I know, I have to be strong, move on, nobody is indispensable in this world. But it's easier said than done. Whenever I tried to talk abt u, look @ ur photos, videos, I became very scare. Cuz u're already a history. Stories of you stop on tt fateful day. Photos of you stop there. Ur everything became our topic. U're no longer physically part of our conversation. U no longer sit among us and joke together. U're no longer @ any celebration, gatherings, outings, watsoever. We can no longer look @ our 3yrs old photos, 13 yrs old photos & nt to mention 23yrs old photos... I took a photo on my birthday. Wat abt u?
Frankly, till today, or even tomorrow, I still cant believe u're over. I really cant. But I know, comes CNY, I'll feel the difference. But still, I can't stop asking why. I dun ask others why, cuz I know the standard answers. I really dun want to hear. I dun c y I cant juz tink of u & cry my heart out for an hr, or 2 or even for a day. What's wrong? Y muz I always have to force myself to divert attention or change the subject? I hate that. Am I not entitled to juz be sad? Apparently, nobody understand this feeling. So, I can only tink of u quietly & b a cry-baby when everyone else is nt aware. Cuz i dun wan to talk abt u & the nx ting everyone else will ask me to nt tink abt it or change the subject. I hate this feeling. Ya, i know everyone cares & wants me to move on, but sometimes, I just nd to be stuck there to feel better...
Maybe these r rubbish thots, but I dun care... I just dun wan u to become a memory. But it's nt possible. Live in my heart? How???
Today, early morning, my first thought was you. Cuz 23 years ago, on this day, you came to earth and we became cousins. We always spend lotsa time together even thou u lived in Msia. We took lotsa pictures, just u n mi. Every occasion, every trip. Now, when i browse thru the photos, i couldn't help but feel down. We were once so close. I dun remember i ever took any couple photos with any other cousins except u. Do u still remember? On my birthday, on ur birthday, when u r in my hse, at ah po's plc, at the park, at the swimming pool, etc etc.. So much memories of our childhood... I miss those times when we chat on the phone. Those impromptu calls u made. Those cheeky words u said. Those cheeky photos and video u took. Those stories of ur life. I really enjoy this r/s we had. I really miss those days when u call me, juz to chit-chat. But I'll nv receive a single call from u anymore... I can only communicate w u in my dreams. Thou it's so short and vague, but i'm thankful that you heard my words and let it come true.
I'm not sure if you could ever read this, but if you do, pls, read this and do it ok?
