I realise there are so many unanswered questions. Answers can nv be the last answer, cuz the "why" will definitely come after that. And I hate that. Cuz I have too much WHYs. But nobody can give me the perfect answer. Every now and then, I ask myself over & over agn, why did it happen? Why him? Why did it end this way? Why is it all history? I can nv answer myself, can nv convince myself anymore. I'm a very self-consoling person, but it doesn't work tis time round. Why? Everyday, I'm just so scare that everyday will just pass by. Becuz, not very long later, everything will become a past. In fact, every word I wrote here is part of my history. So what is now? There's no now... I fear the coming of everyday. I dun look forward to it. I wish I could just stop there & then. I dun want things to become history. It breaks my heart. It makes me cry. I know, I have to be strong, move on, nobody is indispensable in this world. But it's easier said than done. Whenever I tried to talk abt u, look @ ur photos, videos, I became very scare. Cuz u're already a history. Stories of you stop on tt fateful day. Photos of you stop there. Ur everything became our topic. U're no longer physically part of our conversation. U no longer sit among us and joke together. U're no longer @ any celebration, gatherings, outings, watsoever. We can no longer look @ our 3yrs old photos, 13 yrs old photos & nt to mention 23yrs old photos... I took a photo on my birthday. Wat abt u?

Frankly, till today, or even tomorrow, I still cant believe u're over. I really cant. But I know, comes CNY, I'll feel the difference. But still, I can't stop asking why. I dun ask others why, cuz I know the standard answers. I really dun want to hear. I dun c y I cant juz tink of u & cry my heart out for an hr, or 2 or even for a day. What's wrong? Y muz I always have to force myself to divert attention or change the subject? I hate that. Am I not entitled to juz be sad? Apparently, nobody understand this feeling. So, I can only tink of u quietly & b a cry-baby when everyone else is nt aware. Cuz i dun wan to talk abt u & the nx ting everyone else will ask me to nt tink abt it or change the subject. I hate this feeling. Ya, i know everyone cares & wants me to move on, but sometimes, I just nd to be stuck there to feel better...

Maybe these r rubbish thots, but I dun care... I just dun wan u to become a memory. But it's nt possible. Live in my heart? How???